Christian Woman Rewrites Harry Potter So Her Kids Won't Turn Into Witches

harry potter
When the Harry Potter series hit the peak of literary success, many conservative churches all over the world discouraged their followers, especially the children, from reading them based on claims that the novels contain occult or Satanic subtexts. But instead of banning her children from reading Harry Potter, one very dedicated christian mother decided to rewrite the books to be more church-friendly, turning it into a very interesting Christian vs. Atheist version.
“Grace Ann” who has thus far completed nine chapters of her own version of Harry Potter, explained her motivation: “I'm new to this whole fanfiction thing; but recently, I've encountered a problem that I believe this is the solution to. My little ones have been asking to read the Harry Potter books; and of course I'm happy for them to be reading; but I don't want them turning into witches!”
Grace very kindly posted all nine chapters up on a fan fiction website so that other mothers facing the same predicament could make their kids read this instead of the original Harry Potter series. The legitimacy of Grace Ann and her motivations cannot be confirmed as her account on the website “proudhousewife” does not have a profile of her. As I perused through the story, it seemed like a satirical Harry Potter parody written by an atheist who adopted a Christian-y pseudonym with too much time on her/his hands, I might be wrong though, and it actually could be the real deal. Read on and judge for yourself. Or maybe don't judge, because only God can judge. ;)
CHAPTER 1: Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles
Author's Note: Hello, friends! My name is Grace Ann. I'm new to this whole fanfiction thing; but recently, I've encountered a problem that I believe this is the solution to. My little ones have been asking to read the Harry Potter books; and of course I'm happy for them to be reading; but I don't want them turning into witches! So I thought….. why not make some slight changes so these books are family friendly? And then I thought, why not share this with all the other mommies who are facing the same problem? So-Ta da! Here it is! I am SO excited to share this with all of you! So, without further ado- 
Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Harry Potter who lived under the stairs in a house on Privet Drive with his aunt and uncle. He was a good, obedient boy who did all his chores; but he felt that there was something missing in his life. Something big and special; but he could not quite name it. He stayed up every night; and wished for this special something; but then one day, there was a knock at his door-and everything changed.
"Answer the door, Harry!" his Aunt Petunia, a career woman, barked from her armchair where she sat with her feet up. She had short, curly blonde hair and never wore any makeup. Uncle Vernon nodded sheepishly from the kitchen; and put a tray of moist, chocolatey brownies in the oven.
Shouldn't you be doing that? Harry thought; but he was a very obedient young boy, so he answered the door right away. He turned the brass, metal doorknob; and pulled open the heavy, wooden door.
On the porch was standing a huge, muscular man with a big, manly beard; and he was dressed in a plaid, red shirt, blue jeans, and sturdy, leather boots. His chest was covered in a thick, unruly carpet of coarse, brown hair. He wore a necklace that looked to Harry like a lowercase T. Just looking at Harry feel happy, peaceful somehow; but he couldn't say why!
"Good morning, kiddo," the man greeted amiably; and smiled at Harry. He had the peaceful, friendly sort of face you just knew you could trust. "My name is Hagrid. Could I speak to your mommy and daddy?"
"I don't have a mommy or daddy," Harry replied sadly; and looked at his raggedy, old shoes that were blue. Perhaps that was why he felt so lonely, he thought, not for the first time. Maybe that was what he was missing-a mommy and daddy. But no, that was not quite right.
"I am so sorry to hear that!" Hagrid uttered empathetically.
"You can speak with my auntie and uncle," Harry retorted politely; and blinked his big, blue, childlike eyes.
"What do you want?" Aunt Petunia peered out the door with her narrow, suspicious eyes; and she was wearing a baggy, unflattering pantsuit.
"Hello, neighbor! I was wondering if you have been saved," Hagrid exclaimed brightly; and tipped his wide-brimmed, straw cowboy hat.
Aunt Petunia laughed a gravelly laugh; and leaned forward on her sturdy, practical boots. "Saved? Don't tell me you are you one of those Christians?"
Harry did not know what that word meant; but Hagrid's smile was the most peaceful smile he had ever seen. It made Harry feel warm and happy inside just seeing the glowing, radiant grin on the kind, friendly stranger's face. He wondered why Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon did not smile like that...
"Yes, I am," Hagrid replied kindly. "Are you?"
Aunt Petunia laughed again; and stuck her pointy, sharp nose up in the air. "We are too smart for that. Haven't you read Dawkins? God is dead! Dawkins proved that. Would you like us to educate you on the Dawkins?"
"What is a Christian?" Harry queried innocently; and scuffed his shoe on the shaggy, yellow carpet which had not been vacuumed in quite some time.
"Christians are people who want to be good," Hagrid explained wisely; and crouched down so he was on eye level with Harry. "We want to go to heaven after we die. Do you know what heaven is, Harry?"
Harry shook his head; and his big eyes were wide and curious.
"Heaven is a beautiful place where we can be with God."
Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry's young ears; and her voice was sickly sweet when she said, "Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism and birthdays. Haven't you heard of Evolution? I have a very good textbook on Evolution that I could give you on it if you would like to learn things."
Hagrid laughed wisely. "Evolution is a fairytale. You don't really believe that, do you?"
"Yes, I do!" Aunt Petunia screeched.
"Well then prove it!"
Aunt Petunia could only stare at him; and her big mouth hung open dumbly. Here she thought she was so educated; and always demanded that Christians prove what they believed in; but she couldn't even prove her own religion. It was then that Harry knew who the smart one here was!
"Tell me how to get to this heaven place!" Harry cried wistfully, clasping his hands together. Sometimes, the wisdom of little ones is really amazing. We think we grownups know it all; but then God speaks through the mouths of little ones; and shows us how we are all mortals struggling along the path of life. Humility.
"All you have to do is be saved. Do you want to be saved?"
"I do, I do!" Harry squealed, jumping up and down.
"Then pray the sinner's prayer!"
Aunt Petunia tried to stop him; but she was powerless against Harry's pure, innocent, holy energy. Soon, Harry had said the prayer. Hagrid beamed happily.
"You're a Christian now, Harry!" Hagrid cried proudly.
Harry smiled but then interrogated, "But how do I be a Christian? I don't know how!"
Hagrid grinned widely. "There is only one place to learn that-Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles!
Author's Note: SO what do you all think? I may not be a professional writer; but I think I am being given the talent to pull this off in service of a greater mission =)
- Grace Ann
- End of Chapter 1 -
CHAPTER 2: New Horizons
Author's Note: Hello, friends! I have been getting so many lovely, thankful messages from mommies everywhere; and I just want to say-thank you all for your encouragement! However; I have also been getting several messages saying that my story is bad because Harry Potter is not just about witches; it is also about friendship and kindness and bravery. Friends: this is exactly what I have been saying! Harry Potter has many good things about it; but it still has witchcraft; so my children cannot read it. BUT that is why I am writing this! So they can have all the adventure and good morals of the Harry Potter books without all that bad stuff that is bogging it down. I mean, Matthew 3:12, am I right?! So, without further ado-on to chapter two =) 
"Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles?" Harry queried; and clasped his hands. Just at hearing that name, he felt such a sense of inner peace. He wanted to have more of that peace; and he wanted to learn how to be a good Christian-he was starting to think that peace and being a good Christian were in fact the exact same thing! "I want to go there!"
Hagrid beamed widely. He had been praying so hard to save a soul today; and he was so happy to have saved the soul of such a sweet, earnest little one. The poor boy, being raised by two parents who were not Christian; and who both went to work and left him with a babysitter all day long. It was a good thing Hagrid had got here in time. Five years down the road, Harry might have been a fornicating, drug-addicted Evolutionist!
"Don't be silly, Harry," Aunt Petunia commanded; and wrung her long, bony hands. "Come back inside; I will read to you about Evolution from the Dawkins. You do not need that silly religion."
Harry scrunched up his innocent little face; and thought very hard. Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were as close to parents as he had; and this was the only home he knew. Could he really leave? But-he was saved now. He had prayed the Sinner's Prayer. He could not stay here not anymore not with what he knew now. Suddenly, he knew what he had to do.
"No, Aunt Petunia," he uttered calmly with childlike wisdom. "Evolution is not real. And I am going to Hogwarts."
"No, no, Harry," Aunt Petunia screeched desperately. "I have an idea. You can have a second birthday today. You like birthdays, right?"
"Birthdays are not of God," Harry verbalized knowingly; and looked at his aunt with an innocent wisdom. "You tried to corrupt me; but it did not work. But I forgive you, Aunt Petunia; because of Luke 23:34."
Hagrid was amazed once again at the wisdom of little ones. He did not know if he could forgive someone who had hurt him as much as this woman had hurt little Harry. Deny him the truth? Who could be so cruel? But Harry did not even think twice about it. He forgave-just like that! Truly, Hagrid gained a new understanding of Matthew 19:14 that day.
"Do not leave, Harry!" Dudley wailed childishly.
"I must," Harry said; and stepped over the threshold. "Goodbye, Dursleys. I hope you are saved too one day."
And with that, he and Hagrid began to walk down Private Drive.
"How will we get to this school, Hagrid?" Harry queried curiously.
"We will pray," Hagrid retorted knowledgeably.
"How do we do that?" Harry solicited inquisitively.
"Watch," Hagrid said; and then got down on his knees on the road. He motioned for Harry to get down on his knees too. Hagrid raised his hands to the heavens; and cried out in a deep, thunderous voice, "Dear Lord, take us to Hogwarts!"
Harry felt himself being whisked away; and in a moment, he was sitting in the cool, damp grass outside a humongous, beautiful castle. He looked in awe at the tall towers and the gray stones. What a beautiful place!
A tall, thin man with a long, pointed beard and big, wire spectacles stood in front of Harry. He was wearing a brown, tweed suit and a nice, matching hat. His shoes were made of leather and polished until they shone. He had a smile much like Hagrid's smile. So peaceful, Harry just knew he could trust him! A lovely, kindly young woman with flowing blonde hair and a pleasant, heart-shaped face stood beside this holy man.
"Hello, there, little one," the man greeted amicably. "I am the Reverend Albus Dumbledore, and this is my wife, Minerva. Welcome to Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles!"
Author's Note: Blessings!
- End of Chapter 2 -
CHAPTER 3: Dinnertime!
Author's Note: Hello, friends! I have struggled a lot about whether or not to keep going with this story; but, with a lot of praying, my husband and I have decided it is the right thing to do. We want our little ones to have good, Christian literature to read; and in this modern world, sometimes, that can be hard to come by! So I will just have to make do =)
"Pleased to meet you, Reverend Dumbledore," Harry replied enthusiastically; and got to his feet. "This sure is a beautiful place you have here!"
The Reverend beamed. "Why thank you, little one!" His voice had a distinctive southern twang to it that made Harry feel so safe and welcome. He knew in that moment that the Reverend was a man of God.
"This poor little one was being raised in a terrible situation," Hagrid declared concernedly. "He was watched by a babysitter every second of the day. His aunt saw him as part of her perfect life package. Like the big house, the fancy career, the speedy car."
Dumbledore shook his head sadly. "Too bad no one told her: parenting should be about the children. Not the parents. That is why it is called parenting!"
Hagrid nodded wisely.
Dumbledore turned to Harry and announced authoritatively, "Now, you can start your classes tomorrow morning. Today, you can get settled into your dormitory. But first, why don't you eat dinner with my family and me?"
"Really?" Harry gasped excitedly. "I've never had a family dinner before!”
"Why don't you come with us, then!" Dumbledore cried kindly; and then got down on his knees.
Everyone else did the same. Raising his large, massive, manly hands up to the heavens, Dumbledore bellowed in a voice even louder than Hagrid's had been, "Lord, please take us to the kitchen!"
Suddenly, they all found themselves in a tasteful, decorated kitchen!
"Wow!" Harry shouted in awe. He was still getting used to the power of prayer! Sometimes, we take the wonderful things the Lord gives us for granted; and it takes a newcomer to the fold for us to understand just how blessed we are! "That was amazing!"
Hagrid smiled knowingly. "God is an amazing guy."
"He sure is," the reverend's wife chuckled, before getting down to her knees and raising her own hands upwards. "Dear Lord, please set the table with the sky-blue cloth and the Sunday dishes, and please give us biscuits fried golden brown and gravy, creamy mashed potatoes, my great aunt Eleanor's corn casserole, corn on the cob slathered with butter, and for dessert, some chocolate raspberry cookies."
All of these things appeared on the table exactly as the reverend's wife had asked for them, masterfully prepared and delicious-smelling. Harry's mouth dropped open. Truly, this woman was a real Proverbs 31 wife!
"Hermione!" The reverend summoned loudly. "Dinnertime!"
Immediately, and with cheerful obedience, an eleven-year-old girl in a pretty, pink dress with a matching bow came running down the stairs. She ran over to her father; and gave him the winning smile that daughters have.
"Welcome home, daddy!" She smiled, and then turned to his wife. "Can I help at all with dinner, mommy?"
"It is all prepared, thanks be to God," her mother retorted gracefully. Hermione nodded knowingly.
"Hermione, I would like you to meet Harry Potter, our newest student at Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles," Dumbledore introduced magnanimously. "Harry, I would like you to meet Hermione Granger, my beloved daughter."
"Pleased to meet you," Hermione responded sweetly, with an shy grin.
Harry could barely respond. This was the most beautiful young woman he had ever come across. So different from all the girls in public school; who were focused on trying to be like the career women they saw on The Sex and the City. This little one was the picture of innocence and godliness.
"Now," Dumbledore pronounced genially, "let's eat!"
As the holy men, women, and little ones dug into the delicious manna the Lord had granted them; the conversation amongst the adults turned to darker topics. Harry listened intently; and he did not understand it; but he was very interested.
"Dark days are coming," Hagrid pronounced gravely around a mouthful of casserole. "Evil forces are coming into this world; and the little ones at Hogwarts may be our last resort!"
"Psalm 127:5," Dumbledore referenced solemnly, and the others around the table nodded knowingly.
Hogwarts might be the last hope for the forces of good in this world!
Author's Note: Blessings!
- End of Chapter 3 -
CHAPTER 4: Dangerous Days Ahead!
Author's Note: Hello, friends! I apologize for being gone for so long-one of my little ones came down with pneumonia, so of course, my life has been nothing but doctor's appointments and chicken soup-and that's on top of all the other work a mommy has to do! I had nearly forgotten about this little story of mine when I sat down to catch up my email and-lo and behold!-there were dozens of messages from this lovely site.
Now, of course, there were some hateful messages that made me very sad, but for every review posted by an Evolutionist with a bee in his bonnet, there were three lovely private messages from other mommies out there, thanking me for doing the Lord's work. Wow! I know when the Lord is telling me something! So, here is another chapter for all you mommies out there, and all you non-believers spreading hatred-well-let's see if you aren't converted by the time this story's over =)
When the delicious, filling dinner had ended, Harry wiped some last, tasty cookie crumbs from the sides of his mouth. He was very full-and very tired. Discovering the Truth, being saved, and coming to Hogwarts-it had certainly been a long day for this little one!
"You look like you could use a good night's sleep," the reverend's wife commented daintily. "How would you like to move into your dormitory?"
"I would love to!" Harry cried cheerfully. He was so excited to become a student here; and he was so grateful for the opportunities the Lord had given him. Sometimes, people who have done without are the most grateful!
"Hermione, why don't you show our newest student to the dormitory?" Dumbledore suggested wisely.
"I'd love to, daddy," Hermione replied obediently with an innocent, girlish smile; and got to her feet; and smoothed out the skirt of her becoming, pink frock. "Should I clean the kitchen first?"
"I can take care of that tonight," the reverend's wife answered indulgently; and she was already beginning to clear the elegant, porcelain dishes.
"Thank you, mommy!" Hermione shouted gratefully; and she walked over to Harry. "Would you please come with me?"
Harry blushed shyly; and got to his feet. His aunt had never taught him how to talk to pretty girls. She always said that pretty girls were shallow and not very smart and that a real woman put her career first and didn't care about her looks; but it only took one look at this godly young girl to realize just how wrong that was! A woman taking pride in her appearance is honoring the Lord; because after all, it is the Lord who gave her a pretty face and nice hair. Taking care of that is important! Harry got the feeling that Hermione was as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside.
The two little ones stepped out into the brisk, chilly night; and for a few minutes, they were both silent. Harry did not think it was possible for this sweet, demure girl to be as nervous as he was; but going by the silence, perhaps she was a little nervous herself!
After a few minutes, Hermione welcomed shyly, "Welcome to Hogwarts! It is a wonderful place; and we really are so glad to have you here."
Harry's face reddened as they crossed an expansive, flowery field. They were going in the direction of a cluster of imposing, stone, academic-looking buildings. "Thank you," he muttered happily. "It is beautiful; and it feels very holy."
"It is," Hermione commented enthusiastically; and her chocolate-colored, carefully curled tresses were bouncing along with her steps. "My father is a very godly man; and to spread the word of the Lord is his greatest dream."
"Truly, that is a noble dream," Harry responded gravely with wisdom beyond his few years.
They walked for a few more minutes in silence. Eventually, they reached the end of the lovely, green meadow.
"The boys' dormitory is this way," Hermione exposited knowingly; and, with the innocent, casual affection so often found in children, she grabbed Harry's hand as she led him around the edifice of classrooms.
Harry was so nervous; he could not think of anything to say. His brain fumbled for the perfect, Christian thing to say; but, before he could even manage a word, Hermione came to a stop in front of a tall, stone tower.
"This is the boys' dormitory," the devout young woman explained kindly; and she gestured to the heavy, oak door beside them. "I would show you inside; but I would hate to cause a scandal."
"I understand," Harry declared graciously. Too many young men these days pressure young women into things undesired and forbidden. It is the mark of a true, old-fashioned gentleman to respect the fact that every young woman is another man's future wife. And we all know that it would be a dreadful, terrible sin to bring another man's wife into intimacy. Why does modern culture suddenly treat that as okay simply because he does not have her yet? Man's laws may permit it; but the laws of the Lord are not bound by time.
Hermione moved to push open the imposing, large door, but she struggled with the knob. It was quite a heavy door! But Harry was a good, devout Christian now. He would not have a young, godly girl struggling to open a door which he was perfectly capable of opening himself!
With the simple faith so often seen in little ones, Harry got down on his knees; and lifted his hands skyward; and shouted prayerfully, "Dear Lord, please open these doors; and allow me to enter my new home!"
With a loud, thunderous boom that echoed throughout the expansive, beautiful campus, the doors crashed open. Harry stood up piously as Hermione's jaw dropped. Now, she knew for certain that this was truly a man of the Lord!
Harry was about to step inside when Hermione grabbed his arm. He blushed once more.
"Wait, Harry!" Hermione uttered quickly. "There's something you should know."
"What is it?" Harry queried questioningly.
"My father says that dark times are coming," Hermione spoke worriedly. "There is a man named Voldemort who wants to destroy all that we stand for. He is pushing an agenda in congress which will stop us from practicing our faith freely."
"But that is what our founding fathers built this nation for!" Harry cried indignantly. "The freedom of religion!"
"Voldemort doesn't care," Hermione remarked sadly; and she shook her head. "And he is gaining power. The freedom of Christians to practice our faith is disappearing by the day. Soon, it will be like it was in Rome." Lovely, ladylike tears began to roll down her delicate, terrified face. "And I don't like lions!"
"It will be alright," Harry reassured manfully. "We will just need to pray really, really hard! That's why we're here, after all."
"You're so brave," Hermione pronounced admiringly; and she wiped the tears from her eyes. She flung her arms around Harry's neck. "Thank you for giving me courage!"
Harry patted her head before departing and entering his new home. It wasn't until the doors had closed behind him that he realized that he did not know where he was supposed to sleep! The tower consisted of an old, stone staircase winding up the steep, sacred walls; and there were doors leading into each bedroom off of the stairway corridor. Harry felt very lost for a moment, but a quick prayer showed him the way!
As he collapsed into his bed, very tired from such an eventful day, he thought about the days that were coming. It was truly a good thing that the Lord had called him when He did!
- End of Chapter 4 -
CHAPTER 5: A New Friend?
Author's Note: Hello, friends! I'm very sorry if this chapter is a bit shorter than usual; because just as soon as one sick little one gets better; wouldn't you know it; another one starts running a fever. Whew! A mommy's life sure is exhausting. I wasn't planning on posting another chapter until things had settled down; but the hubby says the work of the Lord doesn't wait for the whims of men. So you can all thank Ephesians 5:22-24 for the speedy update =) Ooh, and on that note-some of you lovely readers have requested me to write down the Bible verses after each chapter. Well, far be it from me to not spread the Word of the Lord!
Another question I have gotten-in the "original books", Harry Potter and friends frequently question authority; and how do I feel about this? Well, that is quite a toughie you've asked me! I talked to the hubby about it; and we agreed that usually, it is good to obey authority; but when authority is acting contrary to the Lord; you should talk to that authority about it! Acts 5:29! You just might see authority figures making bad decisions in this chapter-nobody is perfect except the Lord; no, not even Dumbledore, no matter what "the original books" told you-and how Harry Potter handles this will be a big question in the story. Hint: it will be very different than the "original books!"
And finally-I got a "PM" from a lovely friend who was a bit confused; so I'll just clear this up now: I do not own the "original books"; and those belong to JKR!
So, without further ado-
Harry Potter woke up drowsily in a comfy, fluffy mattress. It was only now that he had the energy to observe his surroundings. The room was small but also everything a little boy needed; there was a big, warm fire place in the grey, stone wall across from him; a shelf of intelligent, age-appropriate books-the Holy Bible was in the center of the shelf, of course!-and there was a simple, wood dresser of respectable, school-appropriate attire; and of course a clean, porcelain sink for washing up and brushing teeth and such.
It was only then that our hero noticed that there was another bed in the room. It was the same as his own bed; except that this other bed had not been made. Also, this bed had its own Bible in it; and it looked different from the one on the shelf. But where was this new roommate of his?
Harry looked behind him to see a small, pallid young boy with shockingly bright red hair kneeling with seeming piety as he prayed to a small statue. At this shocking sight, Harry felt a horror; but he quickly composed himself; and declared bravely, "Hello, friend! My name is Harry Potter; and I take it that we are roommates. What's your name?"
"Ronald Weasley," the other boy responded friendlily; and he reached out a hand to shake. "Welcome to Hogwarts. I am a Christian, too."
"Really?" Harry exclaimed delightedly; and clasped his hands together. "This is joyous news!"
Ronald smiled deviously; and Harry remembered that he had just seen this boy praying to a statue; and he wondered why that would be; but he was new to this whole Christianity thing; and maybe that was okay. Still, it didn't feel quite right. He bravely resolved to would bring it up with Dumbledore.
"Would you like to come with me to breakfast?" Ronald queried politely; as he got up from the statue he had been kneeling in front of. "They have delicious food here in the Great Hall."
"Would I ever!" Harry cried delightedly; and he bolted out of bed; and brushed his teeth; and washed his face. This little one certainly had a healthy appetite!
In a jiffy, Harry and his new friend had joined the stream of young lads on the steep, winding stairs heading to breakfast. They could smell the aroma of breakfast from the Great Hall; and it wafted right into their noses! Before they knew it, they were all sitting in the Great Hall.
"Come sit with me and my family," Ronald offered eagerly; and he motioned frantically toward a table packed full of people with hair just as red as his. "Come on come on come on; I can't wait for them to see that I have made a new friend!"
Harry followed Ronald with the obedience of one who does not have many friends in a new situation. Oh, what a difficult circumstance that can be-and how many believers have been led astray by those situations!
"Guys, guys, guys!" Ronald screeched joyously as he pulled Harry toward the table of his family. "This is Harry Potter; and he is my new roommate."
"Hello, Harry!" the Weasleys chorused in unison. "Welcome to Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles!"
"H-hello," Harry stammered shyly. Something about this group made him nervous. "Nice to meet you."
He sat down at their table. He could smell a delicious breakfast-but where was the food?
No sooner had the thought crossed his mind when the Reverend Dumbledore came onto the Great Hall's stage; and dropped down to his knees; and raised his hands skyward; and screamed, "Dear Lord, please provide these devout young ones with three strips of bacon or links of sausage each-two for the ladies-a bowl of hardy oatmeal flavored with cinnamon and apple chunks; two poached eggs cooked all the way through; home fries seasoned with garlic; a glass each of orange juice and milk; and dishes up to the task."
Harry was once again amazed to see the food appear in front of him. The food looked and smelled amazing. He suspected good old Minerva had something to do with this delicious spread!
But before he dug into the food; he remembered that he had something to discuss with the reverend. Harry fought his nervousness; and he ran after Dumbledore as he hopped dexterously off of the stage.
"Excuse me!" the young believer cried innocently as he ran after the reverend as fast as his little legs could carry him. "Excuse me, reverend!"
"What is it, son?" the reverend reiterated kindly. He was dressed respectably in sturdy, manly jeans and a red, white; and blue plaid shirt over which a few virile tresses were visible; and a pair of admirable, brown cowboy boots. "Are you settling in alright?"
"I sure am," Harry retorted graciously. "How are things with your family?"
"Very well," replied Dumbledore knowledgeably; and he was impressed with this little one's manners. "Was there something you wanted to talk to me about?"
"Well," Harry began uncomfortably; and he scuffed his blue-sneakered foot against the polished wood floor of the Great Hall. "I woke up this morning and saw my roommate praying to a statue. Is that really an okay thing to do?"
"That is a real toughie," Dumbledore answered ponderously. "Well, I don't worship idols. It is, in fact, a very un-Christian thing to do. But you see, here at Hogwarts, we divide ourselves up into Sorting Hats. After breakfast, all the new little ones will choose their Hats. Each of the different Hats have different beliefs; but we all love the Lord! And what more in common do you need?"
"That does sound true," Harry pondered sensitively. "But is it really? It seems that, if we all really love the Lord, we don't need to divide ourselves. Are the divisions between the different Hats really so significant as to merit dividing Christianity? What are these divisions?"
"Well, they are somewhat significant," Dumbledore allowed tentatively. "For instance, I am a Gryffindor Hat. We believe everything in the Bible; and only the Bible. That redheaded roommate of yours is a Slytherin Hat."
"And Slytherins worship statues?" Harry queried innocently.
The reverend nodded gravely.
"Then how are they Christian?" Harry questioned skeptically. "What about Exodus 20:4-6? That's a ten commandment!"
"Well, they have different commandments," Dumbledore explained well-meaningly. "They love the Lord; and that is all we need."
"But do they really love the Lord?" Harry posited timidly. "If they do; then why do they worship statues?"
"Dark days are coming," Dumbledore replied earnestly. "We need to be inclusive. If there were only Gryffindor Hats at Hogwarts; then there would not be many people left."
"I see," Harry conceded uncertainly as he walked back to Ronald's overcrowded table. He was getting nervous about this Hat business; but he supposed he did have to trust Dumbledore. After all, grownups know best, right?
Author's Note – Blessings!
Ephesians 5:22-24: Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and He is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
Acts 5:29: Then Peter and the other apostles answered and said, "We ought to obey God rather than men."
Exodus 20:4-6: Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth: thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; and shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.
- End of Chapter 5 -
CHAPTER 6: Sorting Hats!
Author's Note: Hello, friends! I apologize to people who's private messages I haven't been able to reply to; but things are awful busy here in Fort Parsons; and a mommy's work is never done! Many thanks to those lovely friends who have asked about the little ones. It looks like the second sickie did not have pneumonia after all; and it was just the flu. It was a rough few days; but now all the little Parsonses are in tip-top shape. Phew!
Harry Potter walked back to the table of redheads. It was only now that he noticed that they were all wearing black and green baseball caps with snakes on them. Tentatively, Harry sat down next to Ronald; who was not wearing a hat; since he, like Harry, was new.
"So," Harry began nervously; and he bit into a thick, juicy slice of perfectly fried bacon. "What Sorting Hat do you think you will chose?"
"Oh, I will definitely choose Slytherin," Ronald declared confidently; and he began to eat his oatmeal with his hands. "My whole family is Slytherins." He gestured to the countless redheads sitting at the table; and they all turned to Harry and smiled and waved. "You should become a Slytherin, too! We could do it together!"
"Hm," Harry uttered ponderously; and he took a bite of eggs. "Why don't you tell me about what Slytherins believe?"
"Sure!" Ronald replied ecstatically; and he kept eating his oatmeal. "Well, first of all, we believe in the Bible."
"That is wonderful!" Harry reacted happily; and he took a sip of his orange juice. "I do as well. Perhaps I could be a Slytherin after all?"
"But wait-that is not all!" Ronald continued excitedly; and washed his oatmeal down with milk. "Gryffindor Hats believe in the Bible, too. But Slytherins have even more. We have a book full of guidelines on how to be a good person, and a whole panel of Slytherin Hats to tell us what to do."
Harry furrowed his innocent, childish brow; and he took another bite of oatmeal; and he questioned confusedly, "Why do you need all that if you have the Bible?"
Ronald guffawed; and he shoveled more oatmeal into his mouth; and he replied, "Why only have the Bible when you can have more? Why, that would be like only praying to God!"
Harry gasped in horror as he bit into more bacon. "Of course I only pray to God! Who else would I pray to?"
"What about Mary?" Ronald posited angrily around a mouthful of oatmeal. "You have to at least worship to her!"
"You mean the mommy of Our Lord?" Harry demanded in scandal; and he chewed his bacon. "I don't worship her?"
"Well, then, God hates you!" Ron stated simply; and pieces of bacon flew out of his mouth as he did so.
Harry was tentative; since he was new to this whole Christianity thing; but he did not think God would hate him for not worshipping His mommy. On the contrary: he had a hunch that God wanted people to only worship Him.
"Don't listen to him," commented a drowsy voice self-righteously from behind Harry.
Harry turned around; and he saw a girl about his own age. Her pale yellow hair was tied into braids; and she wore a tie-dye shirt and faded jeans and flowers in her hair. "Peace" signs and donkey patches were sewn all over her clothes.
"You should not become a Slytherin Hat," the girl continued confidently; and she was eating what looked like it was supposed to be bacon; but it did not smell or taste like bacon. It missed that smokey, meaty taste that bacon is supposed to have. Instead, it tasted like vegetables blended together and died red. Yuck! Harry would take real bacon over that any day of the week. "They are far too strict."
Harry hmmed skeptically. He was not sure about this whole Slytherin business; but the word "strict" was not what came to mind!
"You should become a Hufflepuff Hat," the girl instructed arrogantly; and continued to nibble at her breakfast. "That's what I'm going to do."
"What do Hufflepuff Hats believe in?" Harry pondered aloud; and he took a bite of his real bacon. Oh, how he wanted to find the true Hat!
"Hufflepuff Hats believe in the Bible; but only some of it," Luna explained casually; and she was still feeding on that stuff. "We don't believe in the stuff against fornication and drinking and socialism; but we really like Matthew 7:1; and that's about it. We're really fun and we seem really nice and really tolerant as long as you agree with us!"
That was when a derisive laugh echoed through the cafeteria. A smug-looking young man about Harry's age with slicked-back hair even paler blond than Luna's and wearing a sweater vest and khakis strolled languidly down between the rows of tables.
"Please, ignore this fool," Draco drawled smugly. "Luna here thinks she can have a career even though she's a woman; and women are stupid."
Harry gaped at this horrible person. What a mean thing to say!
"Women shouldn't not have careers because women are stupid!" Harry shouted indignantly. "Women are not stupid at all! Women should not have careers because women are nurturing and loving and their gifts serve them best in the home!"
Draco gasped tentatively. "You are diluting the truth! Women are beneath men!"
"No, I'm not!" Harry fired back bravely. "You are twisting the truth so you can be mean with it! Women are not beneath men! Men and women are just different!"
Luna smiled at him gratefully.
Draco was clearly fumbling for ground here-there is not much ground to stand on when you are being hateful!-but he finally came up with, "Well, at least I don't eat with Slytherin Hats! I hate Slytherins!"
Ronald began to cry into his oatmeal.
"I don't hate Slytherin Hats!" Harry declared boldly. "I think they should become Gryffindor Hats; but that is because I love them! Besides, the Lord ate with sinners all the time!"
"Thank you, Harry," Ronald whispered tearfully.
"Well-well-you should just become a Ravenclaw Hat, like me," Draco sputtered blusteringly. "We really are the best Hat."
"I think you mean, 'We really are the most hateful hat,'" Harry corrected cleverly; and then he jumped up onto the table; and he got down on his knees; and he raised his hands to the ceiling of the Great Hall; and he bellowed, "Dear Lord, I have made my decision! I am a GRYFFINDOR HAT!"
Author's Note: Blessings!
Matthew 7:1 – Judge not, that ye not be judged.
- End of Chapter 6 -
CHAPTER 7: Wheat and Chaff!
Author's Note: Hello, friends! Phew, this chapter took longer to write than I'd thought it would. There is so much to be done here at Fort Parsons, some days, I don't think I'll ever get caught up. But now that the little ones are sound asleep, I'm finally getting around to putting the finishing touches on this little chapter. I apologize for the delay!
Now, there have been quite a few questions and comments coming in; and I thought I should take time to address a few; since I don't have time to reply individually. First of all, to all the mommies who have expressed their appreciation of this little story of mine: thank you! Your support keeps me writing. Remember, though-the glory is not mine; it is the work of a greater cause. And the people who call me names: a Bible-believing Christian is like a big, ugly monster who lives under a bridge; and wanting everyone to do the right thing and go to heaven makes one a so-called "bigot", hmmm? Well, that's this modern world for you! And finally, to the people who say that I am "spreading hate"-take a look at some of the comments posted here; saying that I am a terrible writer and a terrible mother whose children will hate her one day. Who is it who is spreading hate here? Because I don't think it's me!
The Great Hall burst into applause as a red and yellow baseball cap with a lion embroidered on the front appeared on Harry's head. He hopped deftly off the table and landed on his little feet. He could feel the love of the Lord surging through him; and he knew he had made the right decision.
He was even more sure of his decision when Hermione dashed across the cafeteria to give him a big, spontaneous hug. She too was sporting a red and yellow baseball cap; although her cap had a kitten on it instead of a lion.
"I'm so happy, Harry!" she cried gladly, delicate tears streaming down her face. "When I saw you eating with that family, I was so scared. I thought you might become a Slytherin."
"Never worry about that," Harry declared boldly and bravely. "I am a Gryffindor, now and forever."
"Well chosen," Dumbledore declared approvingly as he took long, energetic strides to cross the crowded, noisy room. "Welcome to the Gryffindor Hat, Harry!"
Harry beamed happily. Truly, he had been blessed! As he sat down to finish his breakfast; and he was still glowing from joy; he sat back next to Ronald.
"Will you still be my friend, even though you are a different Hat?" Ronald asked timidly.
"Of course!" Harry declared generously; and he began to eat his eggs. He had expected his eggs to be cold by now-what with all the hullabaloo-but lo and behold, they were still piping hot. He would not pretend that what Ronald believed about worshipping the dead; but he could still offer the young boy friendship in the spirit of Matthew 2:16-17.
"Thank you, Harry," Ronald uttered happily. He may have been sporting a green and black hat with a snake on it; which testified to his Slytherin beliefs; but he could recognize Harry's pure-hearted godliness, generosity, humility, and innocent goodness. He looked around at his siblings, all of them wearing hats identical to his; and he wondered why none of them were like that.
"Attention, students," Reverend Dumbledore announced authoritatively as he hopped onto the stage; and he held the microphone by his mouth.
"Congratulations on picking your Hats," he continued kindly. "I am sure you have all chosen wisely."
Harry hmmed to himself. He knew that the Reverend meant well; but was it really doing the members of the other Hats much good to tell them that everything was the same when it wasn't? Wouldn't they all be happier if they knew to read the Bible and take it seriously? Dumbledore thought he was making everyone happy; and perhaps he was in the short run; but in the long run, Harry worried that he was doing more harm than good.
Harry did not say anything; because he was new to the flock and didn't feel confident in his connection with the Lord. But sometimes, it takes newcomers to point out the flaws we don't see in our own communities.
The reverend clapped his hands against each other once; and then he spoke enthusiastically, "Now, you will be sharing most of your classes with other members of your Hat; so it would be good for you to get to know them now. Ravenclaw Hats, please gather around Mr. Moody. Hufflepuff Hats, please gather around Mr. Sprout. Slytherin Hats, please gather around Mr. Finnegan. And Gryffindor Hats, please gather around Mr. Snape."
Now, at the beginning of the breakfast meal, Harry had noticed, a tall, mysterious-looking man with long dark hair and gaunt, enigmatic features. He was dressed stylishly in a crisp, black suit; and his tie made a shock of red in the otherwise totally black outfit. The dark hair on his pale chest was neatly trimmed but still noticeably thick; and he wore elegant, black leather shoes on both of his feet. It was now that he noticed that, on the table that this man was sitting at, was a placard that said on it, "Mr. Snape."
Harry followed the other brave young children wearing Gryffindor Hats.
Author's Note: Blessings!
Matthew 2:16-17 - And when the scribes and Pharisees saw him eat with publicans and sinners, they said unto his disciples, How is it that he eateth and drinketh with publicans and sinners? When Jesus heard it, he saith unto them, "They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance."
- End of Chapter 7 -
CHAPTER 8: Refreshing Honesty?
Author's Note: Hello, friends! Things have finally calmed down a bit here at Fort Parsons; and I am so excited to share with you all another new chapter. One thing I would like to talk about, though; many people have been calling me a "misogynist". That means "woman-hater". Friends: I do not hate women! I am a woman! Now, what is it I have done to have people calling me this? Well, apparently, it is saying that women are loving and nurturing and good. Right-how hateful! I'm just a big old mean bigot, huh? Wait-wrong! That is not a bigoted thing to say at all!
Now; it is certainly true that what is written in the Bible about women was used as an excuse to actually be hateful to women. And that is terrible. And there are some people out there who think all women are stupid or "less than men". Friends: this is not what I believe at all! I believe that women have special gifts that are no less than men. In fact, I think that; if womanly virtues were respected more; the world would be a much better place to live! And any of those so-called Christians who hate women and think women are stupid and worth less than men and that God doesn't respect us; well, they will all get a very serious talking-to from a certain housewife ;)
Now; does that sound misogynistic to you?
Harry Potter walked nervously over to the table of Mr. Snape. The other little ones wearing red and yellow hats did the same. Mr. Snape silently stood up; and he motioned with his head for the boys and girls to follow him; and he sauntered out of the Great Hall.
He led them into a small classroom with a few desks in it. He silently motioned for the little ones to sit down at the desks. They did. He stood up at the blackboard in front of them.
"Welcome to Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles," greeted the older but still handsome in a dignified, rugged way amicably.
The little ones all sat in respectful attention.
"So you have all chosen the Gryffindor Hat?" Mr. Snape queried; and he raised his eyebrow.
"Yes, Mr. Snape," chorused all the students together.
"Well," Mr. Snape said; and he drew his tall, strapping form up to its full, impressive height, "I would like to say that your choosing will make you happy; or that your lives will be easy; but I will not lie. There are dark forces in the world; and they do not like Christians. And when I say Christians; I mean Gryffindor Hats. They love the Hufflepuff Hats; because the Hufflepuff Hats believe everything these people say and slap the label "Christian" onto that philosophy; and so the Hufflepuff Hats make it easier. The Ravenclaw Hats, these people claim not to like; but then they pretend that the Ravenclaw Hats' extremism applies to all Christians; so the Ravenclaw Hats help them."
Harry frowned confusedly. After the Reverend's acceptance of all the Hats; he wondered why Mr. Snape was addressing things so directly. He found Mr. Snape's honesty refreshing; but he also wondered-was the honesty also combined with the hate for others that he had seen in Draco's Hat? He thought the other Hats were wrong; but he did not want Mr. Snape to hate them for being wrong! He wanted to help them!
"And then, of course, is the Slytherin Hats. The Slytherin Hats will tell you we are all on the same side because they agree with Gryffindor Hats on some things. But do not be fooled! Their leader is working with…..Voldemort!"
A shocked, horrified gasp echoed throughout the classroom. Harry slapped his hands over his mouth in an attempt to contain his horror; but he was still shocked. His new friend not only worshipped a goddess; but he was also now in cahoots with Voldemort?! The little ones all gasped again; this time, they were even more horrified. From the back of the room, a clean-cut, respectably dressed young boy raised his hand.
"But what about the Constitution?" Dean Thomas questioned articulately. "Doesn't he care about the First Amendment?"
Mr. Snape shook his head sadly. "I'm afraid not. And Voldemort is working through him and using them all. Before long: all our freedoms will be gone."
Dean Thomas raised his hand again; and queried coherently, "But why does Voldemort hate Christians so much?"
"No one knows," Mr. Snape responded tentatively. "However-he is on the move; and he is gaining power; and we Gryffindor Hats may be the only ones capable of stopping him."
Harry was nervous; but he clenched his fist determinedly. He was scared, but he was ready to face this evil!
Author's Note: Blessings!
- End of Chapter 8 -
CHAPTER 9: A Letter At Dinner!
Author's Note: Hello, friends! I apologize for how long it took to get this chapter out; but-I have good news! Starting tonight, I will be taking a beginning writer's course at the local community college! Through all the hate from Evolutionists, Feminists, and Romanists, there has been some legitimate criticism of my writing skills. My mother did her best; and she certainly did teach me a lot; but grammar was not her area of expertise. It's taken some convincing-the hubby wasn't sure I'd have time to get everything done if I start taking this class-but I've written up a schedule; and I think we can make it work =)
One week into the school year, Harry was slowly, gradually starting to get used to the everyday routines at Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles. There was breakfast in the Great Hall every morning; and then there was a prayer session led by the Reverend (the Slytherins went off to have their own "prayer sessions" in their own way; and the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws prayed with the Gryffindors; but the Hufflepuffs complained about the Reverend quoting the Bible; and the Ravenclaws complained that the Reverend didn't seem to really hate sinners; he just hated sin). After the prayer session; the little ones all went to their classes-there were regular math and English classes, of course-although they were of a higher caliber than one would find in a Public School-and then there were Bible Studies and Christian History.
After that was lunch in the Great Hall. After lunch were more classes about American History; and Constitutional Law; and Missionary Training. After these classes was dinner in the Great Hall; after which the students had free time.
It was just such a dinner that Harry was eating now. He was sitting with his new friends: Hermione, Ronald, and Dean Thomas.
"This food certainly is delicious!" Harry observed gratefully; and he was savoring a bite of perfectly roasted chicken.
"It really is," Dean Thomas concurred intelligently. He was dressed quite respectably today; and he was wearing a button-up shirt and clean blue jeans; and his hair was neatly combed.
Hermione nodded in agreement; and the yellow bow she had tied her hair back with bounced up and down.
Ronald grinned widely but remained silent as he shoved another handful of deep fried brussel sprouts into his little mouth. Ronald ate breakfast and lunch with his family; but he was eating more and more dinners with these Gryffindor friends of his. It never ceased to amaze him just how nice they were to him, even though he wore a different hat. A little unconditional friendship can really go a long way in a person's heart!
It was then that a bunch of beautiful people with wings wearing glowing white robes swooped in through the Great Hall's huge windows. Yellow halos hovered over their heads; and they wore brown leather satchels around their shoulders. They gracefully reached into their satchels and gloriously flung envelopes down to the students below.
"The mail's here," Dean Thomas observed accurately; and he shielded his eyes with his hand as he gazed up in wonder.
Harry propped his chin up on his hand and dreamily watched these magnificent postmen distribute their wares. He did so love to look at angels!
He was surprised when a letter fluttered down to him; and it landed lightly on the table in front of him. He had never gotten a letter before! He smiled innocently at the angel who had delivered it; and the angel waved back.
"Would you look at that," Dean Thomas uttered fluently. "You got a letter, Harry."
With excited hands, Harry broke the seal and took out the parchment that was inside the envelope. He laid it out on the table and saw the familiar slanting tidy handwriting.
Dear Harry-
How are you enjoying your first week at Hogwarts? I hope you are enjoying it a lot! How about you come over for tea this evening after dinner; and you can tell me all about it.
Harry smiled as he folded the letter and put it back in the envelope. Good old Hagrid!
"What does it say, Harry?" Hermione questioned shyly; and she played with one of her smooth, lovely curls.
"Hagrid wants me to come over for tea," Harry reported excitedly. "Would you all like to join me?"
"I'd love to," Hermione replied sweetly.
"That sounds like fun," Dean Thomas responded eloquently.
"Could I come?" Ronald asked tentatively after he had swallowed his brussel sprouts.
Harry, Hermione, and Dean Thomas exchanged a knowing look; and then Harry answered kindly, "Of course you can."
Ronald smiled gratefully before going back to his brussel sprouts.
When dinner finished, Harry got to his feet; and then he declared boldly, "Let's go!"
Author's Note: Blessings!
- End of Chapter 9 -
The author has yet to continue writing more chapters, but you can track for any updates here in the future. What do you think of the story? Do you think it is an elaborate prank or an actual Christian mother trying to dispel the notion of evolution? Share this article with your friends and let them decide for themselves too.
Information Source: Fanfic

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