An Open Letter To A Dear Friend

Dear Dr M,
Your little tirade has left many people bewildered. Well not so bamboozled that we cannot react to you without a range of colorful words. 
Firstly I would like to express my sense of amazement because I can't decide whether to laugh or cry. I think the people of both Malaysia and Singapore are probably doing both. Many people are almost certainly paralyzed with uncontrollable guffaws.
You see, we didn't realize that you became a comedian after you stepped away from politics. Some people might refrain from using the word "comedian" as a show of respect to your former position as prime minister. However, we're pretty sure our Malaysian friends wouldn't mind us using the word because we've heard them use far more colorful language whenever your name comes up in conversation. Please don't say we don't give you face because we all respect the fact that you are of the same generation as our former prime minister, Mr. Lee Kuan Yew.
We are tickled that you understand the term kiasu and we are pleased as punch to know that you think that we share this trait with Mr. Lee. We all know that Mr. Lee wouldn't acquiesce to you whenever you met for bilateral talks. You know why he would never give in to your demands right? It's because he knew that if we even gave an inch to you, you wouldn't hesitate to demand eat up the entire elephant like a ravenous buaya. 
Be honest Dr. M. Was this jab about your favorite project, the crooked bridge? Or did you want to renegotiate the terms of the water contract again despite the fact that the ink on that deal has been dry for donkey years already?
We totally agree with you when you said that you're not an authoritarian ruler. We all know that authoritarian people only give up the reins to power when someone pries it out of their cold dead hands. We all know what a nice guy you are since you continue to publicly undermine your handpicked successors from behind the scenes. 
Poor Mr. Lee. He wanted to speak in parliament to remind us of the gumption that we've lost but his son told him: Ah Pa lepak la, leave it to us. 
Instead of being a backside driver who thinks he's in a taxi, Mr. Lee felt that it was better for him to mentor the next generation and pass on his knowledge without any hesitation. 
Hard turn to the left! Swerve to the right! Car! Brake! Brake! Brake! Dr. M you might have missed your true calling as a Nascar driver!
We sympathize with you Dr. M. We truly do. We all know that you had a much harder time running Malaysia thanks its size. We're sorry for your country's continued problems and we're definitely relieved that Singapore hasn't added to them since 1965.
We're continuously inundated about your benevolent rule from reading the media reports on the fascinating developments within your country. It was big of you to unequivocally declare that you "didn't steal government money" but you do know that we don't care right? That's because we know that the money you're talking about doesn't belong to us. And to be quite frank we don't care about it either. 
Dr. M, you also said you "didn't do quite a lot of things". 
This is making us think that "the lady doth protest too much". We're really wondering what exactly are the things you're talking about. You say that you made no mistakes during your time as prime minister. We know that many Malaysians disagree with you and are very keen to talk to you about that. Maybe you should have a chat with your fellow country men? We certainly don't presume to tell you what to do because we don't want you to accuse us of trying to interfere with your domestic politics. 
Maybe we should just end this letter by saying that we know that we're not perfect. We humbly admit that we are all flawed human beings capable of mistakes. We envy that Malaysia is truly blessed to be under your stewardship. 
May you outlive us all.
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